I’m not writing this to point the finger, I’m writing this because I too used to sit in my suffering.
I would let it take over me.
I would use it to hide behind when I made mistakes, when I hurt others. I would use it to make me feel ok about how I behaved.
In essence it was “I’m allowed to do X because I’ve been hurt…. and I’m still hurting, therefore others should too”
I used it to make myself feel better when I’d compare myself: “They haven't been through anything like I have”.
You see, It’s really easy playing the martyr.
And I know, that I’m not the only one who has done this, and found comfort in their own suffering.
However, with the comfort, still came the pain. This is suffering we’re talking about, remember?
I lived in my pain for a really long time, sometimes, I forgot I was even there, and forgot what anything else felt like.
But there came a time when this changed. One day I thought: "maybe i don't have to suffer anymore… maybe I don’t have to feel like this, maybe I can let go of this pain."
And so began a journey of letting go. Forgiving. But not only this, understanding. We are taught to believe that everything is good or bad. We are conditioned to live in fear of the bad, and only celebrate and embrace the "good".
There are two sides to everything. Black and white, up and down, hard and soft, “good” and “bad”, suffering and salvation. They aren’t negative or positive as we perceive, but two parts to a whole. They make up our experience.
If you never experienced the lows of low, you would also never be able to experience the highs of high. If you wish never to feel pain, you will never experience pleasure either. They come as a package deal, I’m afraid.
Having moved through this period in my life, I realise now that pain is inevitable, but we make the decision to suffer or to grow.
I say this because, you can be so attached to suffering (yes, you attach yourself to it), that even when good things present themselves, you’ll find a way not to see them, you’ll find a way not to enjoy those moments of sunlight.
Because you don’t want to.
It’s as simple as this. Whether you consciously realise it, or it’s buried in your unconscious, there’s a part of you that doesn't want to let go, because the suffering is serving you. When you can find how it's serving you, it will lead to you being able to let it go.
For example, there’s quite possibly a part of you that enjoys the attention from the story you tell others of your suffering, the sympathy you receive, because let’s be honest, you get significance from this, and whether or not it goes against your values, you’ll override those to fulfil the same human need that everyone has.
Is it true that you can find significance in other ways? Of course, but when it presents itself easily and accessibly (remember, humans are all about the quick-fix, easy path of least resistance), it's hard to think of other ways, especially in the moment, I can say this in hindsight, but at the time, it's different. You'll understand what I mean.
There may also be a bullshit story running over in your mind like “I’m not worthy of happiness” “no one loves me” “I’m not worthy of being loved” "I can't let go" "They don't deserve..." etc.
No one’s made this your reality, but YOU.
How hard is that to own? It’s a KILLER!
One of the biggest pills you’ll ever swallow is admitting that YOU have chosen to suffer all these years.
You may not have known how to alleviate your suffering, but you didn’t choose to find remedies, resources, people to help you learn, to guide you, or to show you how.
You didn’t choose to be resourceful.
And don’t say: “I’ve tried everything” because if you tried everything, you wouldn’t still be in this place.
You may not agree with me. You may choose to say it’s not your choice, that they did this to you, that you can’t let go. Yes, they did do this, or it did happen, and it wasn't your choice, I don't think anyone ever puts their hands up for hard life experience, BUT it is your choice how you deal with the aftermath.
If you are waiting for some sort of tit for tat, eye-for-an-eye sort of scenario to free you, it will never come. Your way out is through yourself, forgiving them for yourself, forgiving yourself, releasing what is stuck inside of you, airing out the wounds and the emotions that you've held on so tightly to.
What I see now, is that yes, there was a time I experienced a lot of pain, but it was there to assist me to grow, to learn, to have compassion, to empathise, to understand and to find my way to what I am doing today.
You will always experience pain in your life. But you can decide how much power it has, how long it stays.
Instead of finding my significance through my suffering, I found it through my healing, and being able to help others through theirs.
So today, I present you with another choice.
You can enjoy the little bursts of attention, connection and significance, and remain in your suffering forever (or as long as you'd like) OR you can move through it, release it and feel the highs that come from letting go.
I think it's time to experience the other side now, the peace after the storm, don't you?
If you do feel ready to let go and release yourself from this suffering, let me know, message me, email me, I'd be happy to chat, give you guidance as to WHO and WHAT you need so that you can find your inner freedom.